Who the Analometer™ Is Good For

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Our product has been lauded for its efficacy by everyone including firefighters, fire chiefs, dispatchers and worrying wives busy spending life insurance policies before they even come payable, but there are many more sectors of the mass market that can benefit from our industry revolutionizing product.

Firefighters

Sure, these guys can see the most obvious benefit of the Analometer™. They aren’t just a solid niche market sector for us; they’re our bread and butter. If it weren’t for firefighters forever curious about their internal body temperatures in relation to their abilities to tough it out without dying, we wouldn’t have had the funding to get our product off the ground and into the taint stain in the first place.

Welders

If you’ve ever put molten metal to some other, slightly less forgiving metal at temperatures approaching those of the surface of the sun, you understand the heat of your job and the pressures it includes. You’ve sweated a good thousand drops and knew you were getting hot, but did you stop to think that all that heat has to go somewhere, and it goes in to you? We can’t say where it comes out, but we can tell you the best place to stick it to watch what’s going on within your rugged frame.

Smelterers

If you or someone you love makes a living of pouring molten metal into crucibles, internal body temperature can be a grave issue. Don’t let the ever-present risk of burning off skin and extremities distract you from the very real concern of slow roasting from the inside-out. This profession keeps men in the face of fire all day and sends them home alarmingly tanned. If that’s just the heat on the outside, you can only imagine how hot they must be up inside of them.

Dry-Room Workers

Many factories have drying rooms where goods taken off the production line are baked to dry them, and these rooms usually have temperatures of 140-180° degrees. You might find yourself in there for 4-12 hours at a stretch, and only wonder what dangers you may face until you die. Unfortunately, the case of critical superheating (hyperthermia) is only noted by passing out from heat exhaustion or heat stroke, or simply dying altogether. If you work in this environment, you owe it to your wife and children to buy one of these special sphincter-coddled thermometers, or demand that your boss or union leader mandate that you get them for everyone at your factory immediately. Lives are at stake, even yours.

Banana Farmers (All Field Workers, including Coffee Farmers)

No outdoor job is more grueling on the body and trying on the internal thermostat than that of tropical farmer. The sun beats down on you, your access to clean water is limited, and you likely earn less than $3 a day, so looking out for your health can be complicated to say the least. If you can’t fork over a year of pay to buy one for yourself, consider asking your benevolent overlords at Starbucks or Chiquita to spot the fair-trade safety dollars you deserve.

No trabajo al aire libre es más caliente y rebelde en su íntimo calor de ser uno de los países de América Latina agricultor. El sol golpea hacia abajo en su oscura cabeza, no tienen su agua limpia para beber, y que usted gana más dinero de las drogas ilegales en un día que usted durante todo el año de su cosecha honesto. Para la protección de su salud anal puede ser difícil. Si no puedes pagar un año de dinero para comprar uno dentro de uno el termómetro recto para usted, pregunte a los demonios codiciosos en Starbucks o Chiquita a pagar por ello y nunca volvió a vender a su hija de los señores de la droga o contrabandistas.

The ADD/ADHD & Mania Afflicted

If you have a child you love, or one you like well enough, you rightly worry during summer months that basic survival instincts may be absent, like protecting themselves from running all kinds of hell on the playground until they burn up or poke a damn eye out. Even in the absence of your impossible parental approval, letting your child die when an obvious alternative is available is frowned upon even among Libertarians. Just like how guppies will eat themselves to death, manic children can run themselves up the mercury like quicksilver until they practically boil out of their beanie caps. We have a “safe” alternative for you and your screaming, obnoxious child, and even if we’re upsetting strangers by not letting your child die, we still know it’s the right thing to do for $1,295 plus shipping.

The Morbidly Obese

If you’re a very big person and find yourself constantly sweating, you constantly wonder about what your internal temperature is up to. You know it’s as high as your metabolism is low, but thanks to the Analometer™ you’ll have one more reason to pass on missing seconds at supper. We aren’t suggesting you shouldn’t lose weight, but until you do, we’re ready to help you keep yourself alive.

People

If you are a person and you don’t want to die of hyperthermia, you need our product. Perhaps it isn’t the most affordable thermometer on the market, but it’s by far the best for monitoring internal temperature. You don’t want to die, do you? Now you have a choice and it’s called the Analometer™.